Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
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[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
You are what you delete.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh