Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
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A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this