Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
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A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me if I was a dog
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check