Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
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Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle