I think I’m having a stroke
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When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams