I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
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my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.