Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?