When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
You Might Also Like
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
My neck, my back, my…
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.