“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Interior design 👌
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future