To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
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[eats all your cotton candy]
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Battery falling down a hole
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
January has been Januweary
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
This is why I hate group projects
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
live, laugh, laundry.