I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
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God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
#merica
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.