Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
(more comics:
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name