According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
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When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation