Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Feels
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”