[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
You Might Also Like
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.