No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*