After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
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*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive