Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
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Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
at ease…shoulder.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Made something I’m not proud of
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me