Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Just me?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes: