To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
You Might Also Like
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.