What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
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Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
BRO LMFAO
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice