“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
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Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
did it work
This sounds bad:
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”