My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
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Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I get distracted pretty eas
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.