“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
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baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.