Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
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When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
i love meeting boys on tinder
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”