I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing