Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
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I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Me too door. Me too.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.