Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
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[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Omg 🤣
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
That’s no pocket rocket.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”