If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
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Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Scream sneezers need love too.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.