Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
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It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.