I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
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We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
There’s never enough good news
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay