Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
calling in to work dehydrated
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.