I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
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I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*