[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
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“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.