me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
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Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
bias laundering edition
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce