If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
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Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?