No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
You Might Also Like
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
i think we should see other cousins
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.