Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
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I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
It do be feeling this way.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
This is my brand.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.