me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
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I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
X-tra spooky blend
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500