“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
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The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Y’all know who you are.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight