Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
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Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
that colleague who touches your screen
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle