*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
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Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”