If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
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[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
stop
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”