If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
You Might Also Like
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Salad is the decaf of food.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.