dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.