the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.