I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
mechanics be like
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
❤️❤️❤️
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Blew my mind.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?