“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
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Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Ironic
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!