Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
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[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
You know…for fall…
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Lassie, get help!
I’m crying im so happy for them
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.