[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
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[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
TWEET CALL
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Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome